The season. The football season. It is quite literally a season during football will be played, depending upon how you define “season”, “football”, “played”, “be” and “will”, but to be honest if you take truck with any of it you’re probably being a little overzealous with pedantry, and there’s enough of that on the internet already. There are already heightened expectations and pub brawls centered around what’s coming, but we don’t know what’s coming unless we are psychic. Now, it’s not for this blog to claim psychic powers, or even to hint darkly at a deal with the Devil that Bets of Mates have made – a deal that would not only allow them to give credibility to the predictions below, but give them a huge advantage in the sports betting market. So with that caveat briefly mentioned, but not yet confirmed, take a look at the Bets of Mates predictions for the season.
Louis van Gaal bans himself from his own press conferences
In a fit of pique, Louis van Gaal will have it pointed out to him after a press conference that something he said in the run-up to the game against Tottenham Hotspur was mildly contradictory of something he said in a post-match interview. No longer interested in the aggressive persecution of English journalists after realising they are not worthy of being considered genuine sport, he provocatively bans himself from his own press conferences, accusing himself of failing to understand the modern game, and too good for the journalists seeking to question him. Manchester United finish fourth.
Jose Mourinho bans himself from his own press conferences, and goes one step further
In an example of one -pmanship going too far, Van Gaal and Mourinho take mind games to a new level. Gone are the days when Arsene Wenger, a pitiful figure broken by self-delusion, and Rafael Benitez, a pitiful figure simply by virtue of who he is and what he says and does, would be put to the sword by the cleverer Mourinho and Alex Ferguson. This is Mourinho vs Van Gaal, two maverick titans clashing. Mourinho responds to Van Gaal’s press conference by announcing – via YouTube – that not only is he refusing to attend anymore of his own media events, he is no longer, as the video slowly pans out, dressing himself. This borderline pornographic image is replayed endlessly, with a few sensitively placed pixels, on Sky Sports news and on most newspapers and websites, thereby taking the attention from the Chelsea players, who go on to defeat Manchester United 4-0. Chelsea win the league, two points ahead of Manchester City.
Arsene Wenger makes a statement of his own
Following on from “Nudegate” comes the next round of Premier League games. At London Colney, Arsene Wenger announces that he, too, will no longer be attending press conferences, describing it as a reflection of the modern game, and as football’s most modern thinker, he of course agrees with both Mourinho and Van Gaal. He then proceeds to expose his old chap, laying across the desk in front of him, saying, “Gentleman, I believe that we all think we have the prettiest wife at home, but you can see now why I am so confident in my ability to attract a partner.” He then undresses fully and storms from the room to loud applause from attending journalists. Arsenal finish third, with Alexis Sanchez injured for much of the season.
Phil Brown makes a statement of his own, fundamentally misses the point
Days later at Southend, noted managerial thinker Phil Brown, who has little aversion to the limelight, decides that in order to be linked back to the big time, he will have to follow suit. Unfortunately for Brown, he is less of a strategic thinker than the very best managers in the game, and things go awry. At his own press conference, Brown will announce that he will now be attending all of Wenger’s, Mourinho’s and Van Gaal’s press conferences, and punches himself in his balls, collapsing to the floor. Southend go on to be relegated.